Sometimes, there may be moments in your life when you feel stuck. There may be moments when you feel like you’re too broken to be fixed. There may be moments when you wonder if you’ll ever get pass the pain you feel. I’ve been there. I AM there. But while I was at church, God reminded me of something. During worship, He spoke to my spirit and said, “This too shall pass.” As I pondered that, I was reminded of three different pieces of writing that I have written. One was a recent journal entry and the other two were letters. One letter was written almost three years ago, and the other was written six months ago. I am going to share all three. My hope is that through these glimpses of me, you will see what God showed me.

Journal Entry:

It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling. I feel like I’m a shell of the person I used to be. The carefree, joyful, always smiling, full of laughter woman replaced by a broken, reserved, full of sorrow woman. The past month, I’ve found that I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to socialize. I just want to “be.” I’m surrounded by people, but I can’t get myself to venture out. I now want to stick to myself. It’s the complete opposite of how I’ve been in the past. I often wonder was I ever that person at all. Was I just pretending? I think back to several years ago. There was a time that didn’t feel as heavy as right now. It was a time filled with so much joy that it couldn’t be contained. It was a time I felt so close to the Lord instead of so far away. Oh, I remember the days, and I wonder how I got this way. I so desperately want to be her again, but I don’t know where to begin. Can I ever be her again without feeling like it’s all pretend? I want it to be real. I just want something real again. I don’t want to pretend. I’m tired of self-medicating. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I don’t want to run away. I pray God helps me learn to stay. I don’t know how to not run away. So I pray: Father teach me to stay.

Letter 1

Dear dad,

My heart is broken. I feel so hurt. I feel disappointed about the way things have turned out. I feel unloved. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’m not a top priority to you. I feel like I never really knew you. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel like I’m caught between a place of wanting to love you and wanting to despise you. I feel guilty for loving and caring about you because it makes me feel like I’m betraying mom and my siblings. I feel frustrated about all the pretending like nothing‘s wrong. I feel abandoned. I feel discarded like something worthless. I feel neglected. I feel forgotten. I feel invisible. I feel like you don’t even know me, and I feel like I don’t even know you. I feel like everything I thought I knew are lies. I don’t feel like I can trust you. I feel emotionally manipulated. I feel betrayed. I feel cheated. I feel so much more than I’m able to express, so I’m ending this letter to get some rest.

Letter 2:

Dear dad,

I just wanted you to know that I love you, and I’ve been praying for you. I know there’s been a lot of hurt, pain, and anger in my heart towards you in the past, but I want you to know that I forgive you dad. I also want to repent to you. I’m sorry for not honoring you like the Bible tells me to dad. So in this letter, I want to take the time to honor you with gratitude. Thank you dad for going to the father-daughter sock hop with me as a little girl. It’s still one of my favorite pictures that I have of us together. Thank you dad for dancing with me in your arms while we were in the pool. It’s still one of my favorite memories of us together. Thank you dad for dropping everything to come to South High School when I called you crying about how one of my teachers was treating me. In that moment, I felt loved and protected. Thank you for that dad. Thank you for the summers filled with grilled food because you knew how much we all enjoyed it. You even grilled in the middle of winter time, which I really appreciated. Thank you for going all out for the 4th of July and making it so special for all of us. I honor you dad. Happy Father’s Day. 
I love you, Marisa 

Letter 1 is the letter my therapist at the time told me to write. She told me to tell my dad how I felt, but to not make accusations. She told me to seal it up and when I was ready, she said that I could share it with my dad. I never did. I never once felt an unction to share it. I’m convinced the whole purpose of me writing that letter was so that I could come back to it this year and see what the Lord has done.

I was filled with so much rage when I wrote that letter. Bitterness and resentment consumed me. I felt hopeless. I was hurting. I felt like I would never be able to move on. I felt like that pain would always exist. BUT GOD. Almost three years later, I wrote another letter that was filled with mercy, love and healing. God did what He promised me several years ago. He told me He must first restore hearts before He can restore relationships. And sure enough, He did restore my relationship with my dad. I will share more about that in another post.

I’m so encouraged by the shift that transpired in these letters! Despite how I felt, God didn’t leave me in that place. The pain ran deep and the days felt long, but God was with me through it all. Now, here I am three years later, experiencing a different kind of pain. Grief. I wasn’t prepared for how navigating grief would change me. Again, there’s a helplessness that I feel. My recent journal entry is a glimpse into my heart and mind. I see the parallel between my entry and the first letter. I’m filled with hope as I remember that “This too shall pass.” God won’t leave me here. No matter how I feel, God is doing a new thing.

I pray you’re encouraged by this. God is doing a new thing! Whatever the devil has tried to use to keep you down, I prophesy “this too shall pass.” Don’t buy the lie that you’re always going to be dealing with the things you’re currently dealing with. No matter how you feel, don’t buy the lies. God WILL see you through.